I carry your heart.

My heart started pounding out of my chest when I stared down at 2 solid pink lines on the pregnancy test. This was really happening. I went through an emotional roller coaster within a split second and felt feelings of not being ready for another baby, but excited at the same time.

We started planning our future as a family of four. We bought some baby things and thought about how we would let August in on the secret. Robert just let it slip out one day “Mommy has a baby in her tummy”. I could tell he was happy to say it out loud finally. August was so excited and I was surprised at how much he seemed to understand. He would wake up in the morning and give me a good morning hug, then he would need to hug his baby.

After the first appointment, we got to see the heartbeat. Everything seemed normal other than the original due date was off but they decided to do blood-work just in case. I instantly got nervous but in my gut I thought everything would be fine. I thought, Mother’s instinct should be kicking in giving me warning signs if they weren’t. But everything was not fine.

At our follow up appointment, during the ultrasound, the technician got really flustered. The baby had grown and there was a heartbeat, but my heart stopped that day as she showed me on the screen how my baby’s heart would beat, then stop…over and over. I started pleading in my head “come on baby, please!” I may not pray that much but that day I prayed hard.

The Dr. came in and confirmed that things where not looking good, but there was still the possibility that I could have a child with a heart arrhythmia. That sparked a little hope in me. I could handle that. The only thing left to do was wait, plead and pray for some sort of miracle. That appointment was on a Thursday. I started bleeding on Monday.

August had stopped asking about the baby for several days. But a couple of days after that ultrasound, he woke up and hugged my growing belly first and just whispered “I love you baby”. I think he knew. I went in on Wednesday afternoon for another ultrasound. I thought I prepared myself. But I won’t ever forget the image of my little bean baby with a distinct head and body but still, lifeless, with no heartbeat.

It’s been 11 days since I had to have the D&C done. 11 days that I have spent crying when I’m alone in the shower and when I think no one is watching me. Will it get better? I don’t know. Everyone says yes, but sometimes it’s hard to see the big picture. It’s a daily struggle for me to “try and stay strong”. I feel like there is an unrealistic expectation that once a D&C is done, that it is over and you can start to heal. For me, it is still just the beginning of feeling the grief over the loss of a child. I woke up from surgery feeling empty. I had that same feeling after giving birth to August, only this time I don’t have a baby to hold in my arms.

I have had some amazing support, but I have only told a few people about what happened. My reason for writing all of this out isn’t just to be therapeutic in my grief and healing process. It is to give validation to the life I once carried. I’m ready to let everyone know that he or she existed and is loved.

I carried you for every second of your life and I will love you for every second of mine.