I carry your heart.

My heart started pounding out of my chest when I stared down at 2 solid pink lines on the pregnancy test. This was really happening. I went through an emotional roller coaster within a split second and felt feelings of not being ready for another baby, but excited at the same time.

We started planning our future as a family of four. We bought some baby things and thought about how we would let August in on the secret. Robert just let it slip out one day “Mommy has a baby in her tummy”. I could tell he was happy to say it out loud finally. August was so excited and I was surprised at how much he seemed to understand. He would wake up in the morning and give me a good morning hug, then he would need to hug his baby.

After the first appointment, we got to see the heartbeat. Everything seemed normal other than the original due date was off but they decided to do blood-work just in case. I instantly got nervous but in my gut I thought everything would be fine. I thought, Mother’s instinct should be kicking in giving me warning signs if they weren’t. But everything was not fine.

At our follow up appointment, during the ultrasound, the technician got really flustered. The baby had grown and there was a heartbeat, but my heart stopped that day as she showed me on the screen how my baby’s heart would beat, then stop…over and over. I started pleading in my head “come on baby, please!” I may not pray that much but that day I prayed hard.

The Dr. came in and confirmed that things where not looking good, but there was still the possibility that I could have a child with a heart arrhythmia. That sparked a little hope in me. I could handle that. The only thing left to do was wait, plead and pray for some sort of miracle. That appointment was on a Thursday. I started bleeding on Monday.

August had stopped asking about the baby for several days. But a couple of days after that ultrasound, he woke up and hugged my growing belly first and just whispered “I love you baby”. I think he knew. I went in on Wednesday afternoon for another ultrasound. I thought I prepared myself. But I won’t ever forget the image of my little bean baby with a distinct head and body but still, lifeless, with no heartbeat.

It’s been 11 days since I had to have the D&C done. 11 days that I have spent crying when I’m alone in the shower and when I think no one is watching me. Will it get better? I don’t know. Everyone says yes, but sometimes it’s hard to see the big picture. It’s a daily struggle for me to “try and stay strong”. I feel like there is an unrealistic expectation that once a D&C is done, that it is over and you can start to heal. For me, it is still just the beginning of feeling the grief over the loss of a child. I woke up from surgery feeling empty. I had that same feeling after giving birth to August, only this time I don’t have a baby to hold in my arms.

I have had some amazing support, but I have only told a few people about what happened. My reason for writing all of this out isn’t just to be therapeutic in my grief and healing process. It is to give validation to the life I once carried. I’m ready to let everyone know that he or she existed and is loved.

I carried you for every second of your life and I will love you for every second of mine.

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Livingroom Revitalization

My living room is one of the last rooms I’ve taken on as a makeover project. A fresh coat of paint, and some rearranging changed things up a bit, but I still had my old couch that is 5 years old. I loved my old couch, it fit well in my space and is super comfortable but it desperately needed a makeover. I was so excited when I found comfort works! They were able to revitalize my old couch including new wood mid century style legs! Its exactly the uplift it needed to change the entire feeling of the space!

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Any one reading this that’s like oh this mama is straight out of her mind getting a white couch with a three year old hold up ladies! We specifically picked this fabric because liquids just slide right off and lil smudges simply wipe away! Believe me the samples that comfort works sent our way we tried hard destroying them! We love the color and the brightness that it brings to the room! I personally love how my plants pop surrounding this beauty and how perfectly it fits into our minimal/boho style.

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Check out the before pics of our space! Crazy right?

 

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Visit The Website

Soderhamn Replacement Covers

Replacement IKEA Sofa Legs

How To Brighten Your Dining Room For Spring

When we first moved into our home I was inspired by the freshly painted white walls. It was my blank canvas to be as creative as I wanted with our space. Though I am a major fan of all things white and bright, the starkness in our dining room left a lot to be desired. So I opted for an entire spring/summer vibe overhaul of our small dining space.

I started with my favorite Facebook marketplace finds, the light fixture ($5) and the two wicker shelves ($40). Vintage finds are so fun, but cheap vintage finds are what I live for!  The shelves added a fun design element to the space, as well as being highly functional for storage in our small home.

The eye catching focal point in my dining room is definitely my new wallpaper! It added that pop of color I was so desperately craving with all the surrounding white! The coolest part: the wallpaper is totally removable and self adhesive! I’ve applied wallpaper the traditional way with a brush, glue, spatula and lots of sweat and tears. I was able to hang all of this wallpaper by myself in an afternoon! So easy!

I hope you enjoy these photos of my new dining space including before, and in the process photos! Be sure to check out my link below to check out my wallpaper!

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Lemon Wallpaper–shop

Macrame Plant Hanging DIY

I was inspired by this branch I found on our morning walk. I carried it home on my stroller. Sonny asked “Why you bringing this stick with us?” I said “I don’t know yet, but we will find it a purpose.” This Branch now carries life on its limb once more, and has added such a beautiful display in our bedroom.

 

Here’s a very easy project you can do big, or on a smaller scale for a little nook.

Supplies:

  • Twine
  • Branch
  • Eye hooks
  • macrame plant hangers
  • pots
  • plants

 

I had most of these supplies on hand. Anything I didn’t purchase on Amazon ( links listed below) I thrifted! This whole project cost me about $40! This is as easy as it looks! Tie twine to the ends of the branch. Hang it on the eye hooks from the ceiling. Tie the plant hangers at different lengths to suit you. Add plants and sweet lil trinkets! BOOM! Enjoy looking at your sweet lil plant installation! Oh also my kitties enjoy the plant life! It makes them feel like wild cats.

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Macrame Planters —  Shop

Macrame Tapestry — Shop

Decorating a gender neutral kids room

When we moved, we downsized to a 2 bedroom house, so it was a little challenging to make the most out of our space while keeping the minimal feel that I love so much. I knew that I wanted to keep August’s room gender neutral, but also have a classic, timeless feel.

Most of the larger pieces of furniture I thrifted or found on Facebook marketplace. His desk, bed and cabinet are all antique. I kept the desk as is, including the vintage stickers left there by the once 3 year old boy who owned the desk almost 50 years ago. The bed, I gave an uplift with a new coat of paint!  The cabinet just needed a good cleaning, but is the perfect place to store his puzzles and craft supplies.

The focal point in the room is the powder canopy above his bed. It turned out so stunning and really tied the room together. The room still looks quite minimal but the little details made it fun for a growing boy!

Enjoy these photos and feel free to shop the links below!

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Canopy || Shop Here

World Map || Shop Here

Tracing Board || Shop Here

Wooden Camera || Shop Here

Peg Dolls || Shop Here

Duvet Cover || Shop Here

Rug || Shop Here